Honesty and Openness

Honesty is hard. The last couple days I've been realizing that I really do struggle with being honest, and often forget that I should be striving to be truthful. Most of this is that I have built up walls around myself, and have generic saying that I use rather than verbalizing what I am actually doing, or how I'm doing etc...  I am not exactly sure why I do this, and part of what I love about blogging, is that I feel like I can be myself and be completely honest.

I think part of the reason for my dishonesty is that I have issues with trusting people, or I don't feel like what I say is actually important. I faithfully strive to be honest in things that I think are important, yet somehow other things seem less important to be honest in, which is wrong. For example, while organizing random things in one of my friend's rooms they'll  ask "What are you doing?" to which I almost always respond "nothing..." It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but they typically call me out for lying, because they hate it.

Another example: When people ask how I'm doing, unless we have a solid relationship and I really trust them, I often will just say "fine" or "okay" or "good" regardless of how I actually feel. I know a lot of people do this, but I feel terrible when I respond this way, and then the other responds extremely truthfully.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that we need to be honest in every aspect of our lives, not just in the big or important situations. Being honest builds up others respect and trust in you. Today I consciously have tried to be honest, and as a reminder wrote "honesty" on my hand in pen; I'm hoping that over time I will get better at this, and be more open and trusting with others. 

Making Time... (my thoughts)

It has been quite a while since I have gone to God just to be with him and enjoy his presence. I remember coming back from my mission trip 2 years ago and feeling off kilter if I hadn't had devotionals in the morning. I miss that.
I need to get back into step, because I have been lazy, and deep down I want to know God better. I just haven't cared enough, or disciplined myself nearly as much as I should have been.  It's so easy to say that I don't have enough time, or just to get distracted by things of everyday life. In reality, however, I will never have enough time, I need to make time by setting it aside for him.

Only the Pieces

We had student seminars for chapel last week, and one of the ones I attended was focused on true confession, and not giving up in our walk with Christ. One of the things that stood out to me the most was a parable that they used. We often act like we know exactly what God is trying to do in our lives and try to explain things by ourselves, when in reality God has a much bigger picture in mind.

It is like us standing with our face right next to a white board so that it is almost touching, and us thinking that we know everything that the white board contains. In time, God often allows us to take a couple steps back from the white board, so that we can see the bigger picture a little better with every step.

When I heard this parable, it stuck me how I often do the same things, and act like I have life all figured out. I'll admit, I do this a lot, and there is probably plenty of examples of this on my blog. So, I just want to say, I'm sorry.  I don't have life all figured out. Occasionally, I get a glimpse of something bigger that God is doing in my life, but most of the time my face is glued to the whiteboard.

Not Alone

Lately I've really been struggling with loneliness and self worth. When I get distracted from who I am in Christ, and simply don't understand how he could love me so much, I really feel like nothing. I am definitley still struggling with this, and it isn't easy, but I am so glad that I have a God that doesn't give up on me.


God reminds me in small ways that He still loves and wants me through small inspirations. In the past couple of days, two different people have introduced themselves to me and expressed interest in my life, that I had seen around before but never really gotten to know. Countless others have asked me how I'm doing etc... and these people remind me that they, and ultimately God does care.

Another instance of this occurred last night when one of my friends on my hall was asking me what was up, and  pressuring me to talk. Although, I wouldn't confess what was going on, knowing that she cared was BIG. It is hard for me to open up with people and admit that I am struggling, because I feel like I shouldn't be, or that it makes me weak. However, I am weak. I'm just to scared to show it.

Today God touched me through reading of his word. I was looking through my bible for a verse that I could incorporate into a drawing that I was making for the friend that was talking to me last night. When I began flipping through my bible, however, I came upon verse after verse about how God is  our refuge, and strength and that we need to rely on Him. I started sobbing at my desk. I wasn't looking for God, but he reached out to me anyways.

As I said before, I'm definitely still struggling with this, and if you're reading this, please pray for me. God is always there with us, and we are never alone.