Truth: Who am I?

I am deeply loved by God, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, powerfully equipped, totally accepted and complete in Christ.

Scared

In our growth groups this week we talked about confession and how we are supposed to confess our sins to God, but also to other Christians. Along with this, I'm currently am writing a paper for a class about how the bible applies to my life, and subsequently how I have sinned and how Christ has changed that in my life.

Honestly, confession scares me. I'm supposed to have a spiritual mentor read and give me feedback on my paper, and this scares me even more. I really want to be honest in my paper and with people, but the idea of confessing makes me feel super vulnerable. I don't want people to see me differently, over-react, or try to fix me.  My fear almost makes me want to edit out parts of my paper so I don't have to confess them. Yet, at the same time it gives me an opportunity to confess to someone. I'm not sure yet if I'll chicken out yet.

Honesty and Openness

Honesty is hard. The last couple days I've been realizing that I really do struggle with being honest, and often forget that I should be striving to be truthful. Most of this is that I have built up walls around myself, and have generic saying that I use rather than verbalizing what I am actually doing, or how I'm doing etc...  I am not exactly sure why I do this, and part of what I love about blogging, is that I feel like I can be myself and be completely honest.

I think part of the reason for my dishonesty is that I have issues with trusting people, or I don't feel like what I say is actually important. I faithfully strive to be honest in things that I think are important, yet somehow other things seem less important to be honest in, which is wrong. For example, while organizing random things in one of my friend's rooms they'll  ask "What are you doing?" to which I almost always respond "nothing..." It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but they typically call me out for lying, because they hate it.

Another example: When people ask how I'm doing, unless we have a solid relationship and I really trust them, I often will just say "fine" or "okay" or "good" regardless of how I actually feel. I know a lot of people do this, but I feel terrible when I respond this way, and then the other responds extremely truthfully.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that we need to be honest in every aspect of our lives, not just in the big or important situations. Being honest builds up others respect and trust in you. Today I consciously have tried to be honest, and as a reminder wrote "honesty" on my hand in pen; I'm hoping that over time I will get better at this, and be more open and trusting with others. 

Making Time... (my thoughts)

It has been quite a while since I have gone to God just to be with him and enjoy his presence. I remember coming back from my mission trip 2 years ago and feeling off kilter if I hadn't had devotionals in the morning. I miss that.
I need to get back into step, because I have been lazy, and deep down I want to know God better. I just haven't cared enough, or disciplined myself nearly as much as I should have been.  It's so easy to say that I don't have enough time, or just to get distracted by things of everyday life. In reality, however, I will never have enough time, I need to make time by setting it aside for him.

Only the Pieces

We had student seminars for chapel last week, and one of the ones I attended was focused on true confession, and not giving up in our walk with Christ. One of the things that stood out to me the most was a parable that they used. We often act like we know exactly what God is trying to do in our lives and try to explain things by ourselves, when in reality God has a much bigger picture in mind.

It is like us standing with our face right next to a white board so that it is almost touching, and us thinking that we know everything that the white board contains. In time, God often allows us to take a couple steps back from the white board, so that we can see the bigger picture a little better with every step.

When I heard this parable, it stuck me how I often do the same things, and act like I have life all figured out. I'll admit, I do this a lot, and there is probably plenty of examples of this on my blog. So, I just want to say, I'm sorry.  I don't have life all figured out. Occasionally, I get a glimpse of something bigger that God is doing in my life, but most of the time my face is glued to the whiteboard.

Not Alone

Lately I've really been struggling with loneliness and self worth. When I get distracted from who I am in Christ, and simply don't understand how he could love me so much, I really feel like nothing. I am definitley still struggling with this, and it isn't easy, but I am so glad that I have a God that doesn't give up on me.


God reminds me in small ways that He still loves and wants me through small inspirations. In the past couple of days, two different people have introduced themselves to me and expressed interest in my life, that I had seen around before but never really gotten to know. Countless others have asked me how I'm doing etc... and these people remind me that they, and ultimately God does care.

Another instance of this occurred last night when one of my friends on my hall was asking me what was up, and  pressuring me to talk. Although, I wouldn't confess what was going on, knowing that she cared was BIG. It is hard for me to open up with people and admit that I am struggling, because I feel like I shouldn't be, or that it makes me weak. However, I am weak. I'm just to scared to show it.

Today God touched me through reading of his word. I was looking through my bible for a verse that I could incorporate into a drawing that I was making for the friend that was talking to me last night. When I began flipping through my bible, however, I came upon verse after verse about how God is  our refuge, and strength and that we need to rely on Him. I started sobbing at my desk. I wasn't looking for God, but he reached out to me anyways.

As I said before, I'm definitely still struggling with this, and if you're reading this, please pray for me. God is always there with us, and we are never alone.

Dependening on Others

Last weekend I was jumping down the stairwell in our dorm to catch up to my friends, and I landed weird on the last step and sprained my ankle. My RA, Regina, and my friend Mary, ended up taking me to the ER (which was really fun because we laughed the ENTIRE time we were there) and I was on crutches for the rest of the week. Friday I got my foot re-checked out at the doctor's office, and since then, have been officially off crutches. The roughly six days that I was on crutches, however, I was forced to learn quite a bit.

Naturally I like to be or at least feel relatively independent, like I'm not being a burden on someone else. However, with crutches, it was impossible to do so. It was really frustrating for me, especially because people wouldn't let me do anything. I was forced to rely on my friends and fellow hall mates throughout the week and got to learn a little about letting people help you. I'll admit, I am still not very good at this, because I have a pretty strong will, but God definitely used my pain as a learning experience.

Right after I fell I tried to get up, but realized that I couldn't. I realized that I was probably going to have to get it checked out, because I had hurt it pretty bad. The incident reminded me of what Louie Zamperini said when he visited our school, how when he got launched down the stairs and broke his hip at age 80 something, the first thing he thought was "all things work together for good for those that love God, those that are called according to his purpose" and Him thinking "God...this better be good!" That bible verse sank into my mind as I crawled my way to the wall, where my friends rushed to meet me to see if I was okay.

Throughout the week, God played on that inspiration, and I learned how God was trying to use my accident to bring him Glory. God used my experience to help teach me dependence on others. This idea was reinforced on Wednesday, when in chapel an image was imprinted in my brain of Jesus carrying his cross until he couldn't carry it himself anymore in the movie The Passion of the Christ. Then He let a man help him carry his cross with him. Being God, He could have carried it himself, although when he was weak, he let someone help him.

Never Let Me Go...

Yesterday I was really struggling with loneliness, stress, and confusion. The stress came from realizing that I had MUCH MORE homework to do than I had originally thought, not exactly something you want to hear. Good to know, though I guess.
The loneliness and confusion kind of went hand in hand, because I don't feel like anyone really knows me as who I am. Everyone has some idea of their own, but God is the only one who truly gets who I am, and who I'm trying to be. It can be kind of frustrating when I see people with best friends that seem to understand them, when I feel like I don't have any great relationships like that. That is just how I felt anyways... Yesterday had been a pretty good day overall, but the night was rough.

Through the hard times, I've found that God always provides. He knows how much we can handle, and what will turn us back to Him. In my case, last night I was looking through the bag I carry along all the time when I found a personal psalm/love letter that I had written to God last year, that applied perfectly to my situation. I had already prayed some about my situation, but I hadn't let His peace affect me at all and wasn't fully looking or expecting God's help.

However, God used my past words to break through to me last night, because I wouldn't turn to his. I started crying when I read it, but it reminded me of God's greatness, and how He has never let me down. I really needed to hear that.


Psalm:
You alone know the place I should turn.
You are my place of refuge.
You are all I really want in life.

You've always been there for me,
even when I didn't understand,
When I was too proud to give in.
You were there for me, and are holding me now.
I'm scared by myself, but I know that You will guide me.

Help me, lead me, because I can't do this myself.
When I don't know what I'm doing anymore,
You pull me back to you,
with love clear like a starry night sky,
bright like the sunset over the lake,
and always at the right time when I need you the most.
You remind me that You have always loved me.

Suffering

Recently God has been teaching me a lot about suffering. Not that I've experienced tremendous suffering lately, but regardless, I've learned a lot this past week. One of the things I've learned is that God disciplines his children, and discipline is not comfortable. We will suffer through discipline, such as hard experiences, but God uses those to make us stronger, and can use those to help other people in the future.

This past weekend I was kind of depressed because one of my best friends here at college went home for almost a week for her sister's wedding, so I didn't get to see her at all. It was only suffering on a small scale, especially when contrasted to a death in a family or some other tragic event, however, it was painful enough that God was able to use it to teach me throughout the week because of it.

Discipline is not fun. It hurts.  But it  produces good results in the end, and is therefore, worth the pain. God began teaching me this concept when the pastor at the church I attend here introduced the topic on Sunday through the book of Hebrews. Later this week, I was feeling particularly low (stressed because of finals, and lonely) and after our hall dinner, I sat out in a field and decided to read my bible before going to work that night. When I opened up my bible God really spoke to me through several verses.


Psalm 18: 1-3:
"I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies."

Psalm 37: 5-8, 39-40
"Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light. And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret becuase of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes topass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret- it only causes harm."

"But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; He is their strength in the time of trouble. And the LORD shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked. And save them, Because they trust in Him."

 Isaiah 43:1

"But now, thus says the LORD who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine.'"


Hebrews 12:4-9

"You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. And you have forgotten the exhoration which speaks to you as sons:

     'My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the LORD loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.'

If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live?"

and last but not least: 
Revelation 1:8

"'I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End,' says the Lord, 'who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.'"

Then later that day I sat down on my friend's fouton in her room (the friend that had been gone) because I was just hanging out with her. She was reading a book for one of her classes, but she had put it down, so I picked it up and began reading. I don't believe it was a coincidence, that what I began reading was about suffering. After reading a couple paragraphs, I laughed and looked up thinking, "Okay, God. I get it."

God has definitely been at work in my life this week. I am very thankful for his presence in my life, and am beginning to see suffering as a positive thing, even though it hurts.

Today while reflecting I also discovered two things that I frequently suffer from, and have issues with. Stress, which is pretty self explanatory, and trying to deal it with myself. And also, loneliness. It may seem like neither of them are a big deal, but they are reoccurring struggles in my life, that I find myself wrestling with the most. I'm not sure if they will always be things that I struggle with, but I do know that God can, and will, use my struggles to glorify Him.

Homesick

Being away from home definitely has some perks, such as the freedom to follow your own schedule and not check in with people ALL the time. At college I've enjoyed these freedoms so far quite a bit, however, homesickness has definitely caught up with me the last week that I've been here.

Honestly, I was starting to wonder how I was going to make it until fall break to go home, or see my family. Sure, I get to talk to them on the phone whenever I want basically, but it's not quite the same not getting to be with them.  I miss hugs from home and joking with my family and just being crazy with them.

My homesickness had caught up with me hardcore, and I was feeling kind of depressed and lonely, but I didn't really want to tell anyone about it. Sunday night I called my parents and was talking with them on speaker phone, and my mom asked me if I was okay because I seemed kind of down. Of course, I said I was fine- because I would feel bad if I made them come get me- (its around a 5.5-6 hr drive from home). I was crying while on the phone with them because I realized just how much I missed  them, when my mom asked me if it would be okay if her and my dad come visit me this weekend. I was SO excited (and still am).

I find it amazing how God works in our lives, and mine especially, and provides for his children. Although, I wouldn't have asked for my parents to come, God knew exactly what I needed. His prompting of my parents to come visit me reassured me that He knows exactly what I'm going through and that I am always on his mind. I'm so excited for this weekend now. God is so awesome.

More of You and Less of Me

Lately I've discovered that the more I focus on God, the more I enjoy my days. The past two nights I've tried to submerge myself into God; just getting to be alone with him, praying, singing, and reading His word. Complete peace (shalom) has been my immediate reward from our time spent together, however, today I realized that coupled with a little more sleep, getting to spend time with my creator drastically improves my outlook on life in general.

Today I woke up happy, and my day just got better from there. My RA returned back to college, which I discovered upon walking out my door to the school post office, then I got to pick up a package my parents had sent when I got to the post office, and then later I finally got a job after having searched for one since school started almost a month ago.

The more of my life I let God have control of, the less stress I had to deal with, and the more He blesses my life. Everything comes in His time, you just have to trust that He will come through.

I can play the background

This song has really been speaking to me lately, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Praise

Its always been a goal of mine to learn to play guitar, so recently I've started practicing, trying to pick it up. Its going alright so far. My finger tips are numb, but it feels good being able to praise God in another way. I'm still slow and my fingers are not fully trained so they're clumsy, but I'm improving and someday I hope to play well.

Where are You calling me?

This post is also in my blog: Expanded written editions of my adventures, but I thought I would share it on here as well, as it is something that is going on in my life right now...

Yesterday I was in chapel at college and they were talking about available short term missions that students can go on. One of them was to Figi, teaching, and witnessing to women that have been rescued from sex slavery.

I have been wondering where God has been calling me to missions, but yesterday I felt a tug on my heart when Figi and the mission to there was introduced. It was kind of weird because recently I had been wondering how I could get involved with helping people out of slavery/human trafficking and witnessing to those that were rescued, and then when the trip was introduced, it was one of the main focuses... For now, I'm trying to discern whether it was God calling me there, and I'm really hoping that he was.

My  experience made me reflect on my mission trip to Western Samoa in 2010. I am not sure that I was really called to go on that trip, however, God definitely used that trip in awesome ways to transform and shape my life. I think God used that trip, not only to draw me closer to Him, but also to open up my heart to the people of the South Pacific, and show me that missions was where he wanted me.
For now I'll be praying about the Figi trip, and if you're reading this, please pray for me as well that God will make it clear to me what he wants with my life.

Star Gazing

Last night I went out stargazing by myself just to get away from everything and talk to God. After pouring out my heart and just laying back gazing at the stars in silence I noticed that the stars directly above me seemed to form the shape of a heart. I'm not sure if it was a specific constellation or anything, but it was special to me because I could see God's love for me in that moment. I think it is really amazing how God can always find a way to talk to our hearts in our circumstances if we are willing to listen.

Don't Understand.

We had a blood drive going on at my college today, and prior to today I had thought about doing it but then I forgot to sign up. Then today I was hanging out with my friend and he had, so I went with him and decided to give blood as a walk-in.

I've always wanted to give blood, but due to some circumstance I've always been unable to.

The first time I was eligible to give blood was during High School, but the blood drive was the same day as a swim-meet, and my coach would have killed me if I did right before this important meet. Even though I wasn't really a fast swimmer anyways, I would've died trying to swim afterwards.

The second time I tried to give blood, I was super excited and I was in an off-season for sports; I was conditioning for softball, but didn't have actual practices or games or anything. I got out of conditioning and went to give blood because I had signed up to; then when I got there I realized that I didn't have any valid ID on me, so I couldn't, and the volunteers at the drive made me feel like a complete idiot. (Because I had driven there). Honestly, I cried almost the whole drive home that day.

So, today I made my third attempt at giving blood. I actually had my ID on me,  so I got past that part, and I'm not in sports so I was clear there too. But after getting there and everything they pricked my fingers to test if I could give blood, and my hemoglobin was too low. So once again, today, I couldn't.

I have naturally low-ish hemoglobin because 1. I'm a girl and 2. I have betathalasemia (small red blood cells) which is no big deal really, but it contributes to my low hemoglobin levels. Previously my doctor said he wouldn't recommend giving blood, but that I could if I wanted to. Today my hemoglobin was fine ( I'm not anemic) but below the level that they could accept from donors due to regulations and stuff.

So, yeah. I'm really disappointed. I think I might try again in a couple months, try to eat more vegetables and stuff before then, and see if it works out for me finally. At the same time it also makes me question if I was meant to give blood. Even though, I really want to, it might not be God's plan for me. Which is something I don't understand right now, and the concept is kind of hard for me to accept. I just really needed to get this off my chest, because its bugging me right now; writing kind of helps.

Leaving 99

Yesterday I was listening to my itunes on shuffle and the Audio Adrenaline song "Leaving 99" started playing. Since then I've had it on repeat, and can't get enough of it. Its a great song, because it talks of an awesome savior who would leave 99 people that love him to go find the one lost one.

The focus isn't so much that he is leaving the others, but that he loves that ONE so much that he would leave the others just so that the one wouldn't be lost. In Luke 15:7, Jesus says "I tell you, in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous people who don't need repentance.

Here are the lyrics to the song:
I'm lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
When I fear I'm on my own
You remind me i am not alone

You say..

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
And you say, my child, my child
I am always here, i'm at your side

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

You're never too far down
I promise you'll be found,
I'll reach into the mud,
Miry clay
Pursue you to the end,
Like a faithful friend,
Nothing in this world,
Will keep me away,

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you...
To find you..

The song is based on a scripture verse Luke 15:4 where Jesus is talking.
"What man among you, who has 100 sheep and loses one of them, does not leave the 99 in the open field and go after the lost one until he finds it?

I  hope that this encourages you today. Jesus loves YOU.

Prayer Requests?

If anyone reading this blog has any prayer requests feel free to leave them as comments, or email me at schneiaj@grace.edu. I love you guys.

Do You Love Well?

I started classes this week at college, intro to world missions is my favorite right now. Today our teacher asked a question that really stuck out- Do you love well?

The main commandment of the bible is to 1. Love God and 2. Love others.
Very often, we get distracted from this, our lives purpose. And so today, consider  your own life... Do you love well?

Peace Like A Flood

Today my dad and I left home to take me to college. We're staying in a motel tonight, then tomorrow I actually move in. I was super nervous and scared before. But now, I feel content. Excited. Peaceful.

I got to spend an amazing last day home with my friends, and though I'll miss them like crazy, right now it really feels like everything's going to be okay. I think the 93 days between now and when I see my best friends back home again will go pretty quickly.

I'm ready for a new adventure. I know You'll always be there with me so all I can really say is... Bring it on God! :)

Don't Want To Sleep

Right now I really don't want to go to sleep because I know that tomorrow is one day closer to leaving my friends, family, and those I love in general. I hate goodbyes.

I recently said goodbye to my boyfriend, we broke up for college for a couple different reasons. It was really hard, and seeing him and not being with him hurts incredibly much more than I thought it would. It doesn't feel fair, and I have no right to complain, because it was my idea, and I still think it's the right thing to do. But it hurts, because we were close, and it hurts even more knowing that I hurt him. We're still friends, but its different. I learned a lot through our relationship, and I don't think it was a waste of time, but I also don't think he's the one.

I think college will change things in general. I'm looking forward to growing in my relationship with God. I feel kind of broken and scared right now though. I know I have people to support me. I even found some encouraging friends on Tumblr, that I have never met, but they say they'll be praying for me. I hope they meant it.

God is SO amazing. I'm glad that He never gives up on me, even when I feel like I've been so far from Him. Thank you Father.

My Drawings...

Stuck- Longing for You (personal psalm)

I feel like I haven't moved from this place in ages.
I haven't talked to you
or been still enough to listen.
I have a lot that I need to trust you with,
but I'm too lazy to plead for help.
I don't know what to ask for,
but I know I've been moving
away from you
as my soul longs to run to You.
Bring me back. Lead me.
Change me and use me to reach out to others.
We've been through some
rough times, but you
are and always will be
my strength and hope.
I can't wait to see Your face
unclouded by this world
and my problems,
but shining full in it's glory.
Where I can praise you
forever singing and dancing
without shame
fully alive and on fire
for You.

A Personal Psalm- Who do You see?

When You look at me, what do you see?
Do You see all the good things I've done?
Or how many times I've failed you and came
whimpering back to you later?
Do you see all the times I've strayed from You,
When You have always been all that I needed?
Do you see all the things I've messed up?
Do you see me like I see me?
If so, If You see everything that I am- How can you still love me?
How can You love me, when I don't?

Crying for help and giving you everything that hot summer night covered in sweat, dirt and my own tears...trying to stifle them lying on the floor of that beautiful tent as I realized just how far I'd strayed.

Everything is different now. But do you still see the me I see in the mirror? Or the person you're making me to be? When You look at me, what do you see? Do you see me, or do you see your son?

God, You were guiding me, help me and don't leave. I need you now just as much as I always have. Life has been getting kind of crazy and hectic; be my strength through these times and bring better times to come.
Refine me, as fire refines gold. Make me purer into the masterpiece you imagined.

Never Enough

Many people try very hard to be good people, hoping that their good will outweigh their bad and somehow they'll get in to heaven... That's not how it works, however. It is impossible to work your way into heaven. Everything good that you do will NEVER BE ENOUGH.

The bible says that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 4:23) And that "the wages of sin is death." (Romans 6:23) Which means eternal separation from God.

The story doesn't end there, though. God sent his only son to die on a cross for your sins. He died, then on the third day, rose again, conquering over death."But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

The bible says that It is by grace you have been saved, through faith, not of works, it is the gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast...

And that "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." (Romans 10:9+10)

"For whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10: 13)

You can never do enough to earn God's love, but the beautiful thing is that He gave it as a free gift. It is yours for the taking, you just have to accept it.

Home

I went to church for the last time at home before heading to college today. It was pretty good. I almost always feel encouraged and loved after going there.

Today I was still feeling kinda down this morning, because last night my boyfriend and I broke up and hurting him broke my heart. When I got to church, however, I got a huge hug from a friend that has been mentoring me throughout the past year. She didn't, and to my knowledge still doesn't know, that I broke up with him last night but her hug brightened my day just a little bit.

I ended up getting quite a few hugs at church today actually.. It was great. I'm going to miss home and all my family that I have here at church, but I know for sure that they'll be there for me if I need them, and we'll keep in touch via Facebook etc.

In worship today, it was funny how the words seemed to correlate directly to what I was going through, again. My mentor, the leader of the worship band, read off part of  a song before we started actually singing and stuff, the words were:
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace."

That song verse helped me realize that, although, I was still hurting from the night before, if I turned my eyes on Jesus, things wouldn't seem quite so bad.

Skit Guys - God's Chisel

The All-Knowing, Ever Present God

Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.

Before a word is on my toungue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
[This] extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to [reach] it.

Where can I  go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
[or] settle at the western limits,
even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.

If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me
will become night"-
even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.

For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I will praise You,
because I have been remarkably
and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful,
and I know [this] very well.
My bones were hot hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all [my] days were written in Your book
and planned
before a single one of the began.

God, how difficult Your thoughts are
for me [to comrehend];
how vast their sum is!
If I counted them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand;
when I wake up, I am still with You.

[Psalm 139:1-18]

Going Down to Get Up

I'll be the first to admit, that lately I haven't been as close with God as I have been in the past. I've gotten behind in doing daily devotions...honestly, I don't remember the last time I did them. It's been a couple weeks anyways.

Since I got my new computer I've been able to do a lot more things, but its also been a distraction.
I know in my heart that I want to read the bible and grow closer to God, yet lately I haven't made it a priority, and when that happens its easy for your perception to twist.

I leave for college in one week now. My thoughts about college vary between excitement, fear, anxiety, sadness, and contentment. (A wide range there, I know)... I'm going shopping with my mom tomorrow for the stuff I need, and I've been trying to see my friends as much as possible before I leave, because I'm going to miss them like CRAZY. Last night I had two of my best friends over to spend the night, I "kidnapped" them from their houses, then we all stayed over at my house.

As I was driving home from dropping them off I was channel surfing on the radio because one station had hit commercials. I ended up on 91.1, Northern Christian Radio, a radio station I until semi-recently listened to all the time in the car.

I paused for a minute on the station, then decided to keep it there. On the radio Chuck Swindol in "In the word" (I think it was) was talking about how God uses the hard circumstances in our lives to help us grow in Him. He talked about how, it isn't that God doesn't teach us at other times in our lives, however, in the tough situations and times when we are down, we are more susceptible to Him, and listening to what God is trying to teach us.

I've learned over the past couple years that sometimes you have to go down before God lifts you back up. I'm not sure if this is what college will be like for me. But I know that today, it was just what I needed to hear. I know it has been me that has been far from God lately, but hearing that bit on the radio was kind of a reminder to me... God saying- "Hey, I haven't given up on you; and I'm not going to."

That's all I have for now. If you're going through any hard times, try to lean on God for your strength and learn through your experience, because often, it takes having a hard fall before you realize you need God to give you a hand back up.

Things I Wish I Had Known Before High School

 Here's a list I'm compiling of things that I wish I had known before high school. Some are quite obvious, or even not necessarily related to my own experience, but still relevant to anyone entering high school.


1. Find people that you like to hang out with, and ones that you act the most like yourself with to be your friends, its also better if they have similar values as yourself...

2. Don't be afraid to try new things (within limits)

3. God can get you through ANYTHING that you are going through.

4. Work hard, but have fun as well. It's okay to take breaks when you need them!

5. High school may not be the best years of your life... it wasn't for me.

6. Although, it may drag in the beginning... It goes fast! Enjoy it.

7. Free education is a good thing.

8. Sports and clubs can help you make new friends. Some of my best friends I played sports with, or met because of sports.

9. There are people that care about  you- no matter who you are, someone loves you very much and there are lots of people that watch out for you everyday with or without your notice.

10. Hard work usually pays off in the end.

11. People will let  you down. Sometimes people aren't who you thought they were, sometimes people fail you. But you will let others down too sometimes. Its okay. 

12. Smile often.  A smile can brighten someones day. Often smiles will brighten yours.

13. Youth group is often a great way to make good friends! I didn't learn this until around my senior year, when I only had one year left of youth group. After that one year, I wished I had been in youth group all along. Don't miss the opportunity.

14. Participating in school events makes them more fun. If you have homecoming week, participate! You likely won't have many more opportunities like these ones in your lifetime.

15. Sit with new people occasionally at lunch, you never know if you're missing out on a great friendship just because you're stuck in a routine.

16. Church can revitalize you and encourage you so that you can deal with another week at school where you might deal with some pretty tough stuff.

17. Stick to your morals. Just because everyone else does something, doesn't mean that you have to conform.

18. Although, you might not agree or get along with your parents or guardians- they love you very much and are looking out for you. They want the best for you, even when they ruin your plans. Try to be nice to them.

19. Community service is a good thing, make time for it. Its important to serve your community, and it helps you to develop relationships with people outside of the school system that live in your area. Community service also looks good on college and scholarship applications.


That's all for now. I'll try to write more as I think of them.

Grandma and Me

This weekend I have been busy with our annual family reunion, where all my relatives on my mom's side of the family come over and camp out at a campground near my house. It has been kind of interesting this year, it ends and everyone goes back to their own homes tomorrow.

The first day of the camp out I got to talk to my Grandma for a bit and it was really encouraging to me; it seemed like God had given her exactly the words I needed to hear. Just two nights previous to me seeing my Grandma again was when I had spent the night at my friends' house, where it really began to hit me how much I'm going to miss home, and how scared I kind of was really to leave home.

When I talked to Grandma, I didn't have to bring up that I was worried about going to college, but she seemed to sense it, or at least know that I needed some encouragement anyways. She began asking me about college and stuff, then told me about her own college experience and  how it was scary for her  when she first left home.

She told me that her parents had dropped her off with her suitcases at school, and she couldn't drive, or much less have a car to drive even if she could, so she was stuck there and couldn't really go home if she wanted to unless her parents came back and picked her up. She said it was kind of scary, but to remember that most of the other students there are going through the same thing. At least most of the freshman anyways.

Grandma told me I was beautiful, warned me not to get too concerned with dating and stuff in college and school, because there were lots of fish in the ocean. She then told me that she thought I could go far, and do anything that I set my heart out to do. I almost cried, Grandma's words were exactly what I needed to hear.

While, Grandma can be really goofy and fun, and that is part of what I love so much about her; I saw God through her actions and words this weekend.  It's kind of funny how God works through people to encourage and lift you up, just when you need it.

Always There Holding My Hand

Last night I stayed over at one of my best friend's houses with her and another best friend, and we had a great time tubing out on a lake, watching television, reading bed time stories from "the tales of Beetle the Bard" fairy tales from the Harry Potter series, and just hanging out. I had a blast.

That night, however, while lying on my back on the floor of her room before I fell asleep it started to hit me hard for the first time that I'm leaving home for college in about a week and a half. Of course I had know this all summer, but it really started to sink in that I won't see all the people I love at home for about 97 days straight, until I can come home for Thanksgiving break. That is a LONG time. Longer than my trip to Samoa last summer.

The thought kind of scared me; it's a long time to be away from home. And really, basically the first time I've ever been out really on my own. I won't have a car or anything and I'll be about six hours away from home, so I can't just come home on weekends... I won't lie, I cried. Silently of course (a skill I mastered last summer so that I wouldn't wake up my team mates from my homesickness).

I began thinking how much I'll miss my friends and family while I'm gone, and how I had no idea what I was actually going to do when I got there. Before this summer I was sure that I wanted to play a sport down at college, but then I broke my hand at the end of that season, and didn't make time to practice or condition this summer and I had basically all but ruled out playing. In addition, I began to realize that with 18 credit hours, I'll probably have to study a lot, and then I need a job on top of that for any spending money.
So, the night before I stayed at my friend's house I emailed the college coach saying that I didn't think I was going to try out for the team anymore for most of the above stated reasons. Right before I left for my friend's house I got a return email saying that I had some scholarship money set aside for me, and that my high school coach had spoken really highly of me, and that I could still reconsider or change my mind, but to let her know when I could.

So... my mind was kind of heavy, and I was just confused as to what God wanted me to do with college, just feeling overwhelmed. As I was processing everything in my mind that night, I remembered that God wants us to give Him all of our troubles. So I began to pray, in my head, silently as I cried.
God, I need you. I'm scared. I don't know what you want me to do. Please help me.

Almost instantly I felt better. Not completely, I still cried. But a huge weight felt like it had been removed from my heart and my mind, and as I cried the tears changed from anxiety, stress, and fear to ones of acceptance and relief.

My friend, asleep on the floor next to me, then unknowingly reached out and rested her hand on my arm. Although, she was quite assuredly asleep, to me it seemed like God's own way of reaching out to me and assuring me that everything was going to be okay.

My Life

I am seventeen years old, I grew up in a Christian family and went to church basically every Sunday. My mom was a nurse, and my dad a state cop; so for the most part I stayed out of trouble as a kid. A romantic, even growing up, adventure and travel always seemed to appeal to me. My dream was to be an "adventure girl" when I was older, that, and save the world or something like that. (No big deal- Right?!) I grew up believing in Christ accepting him as my savior, but around fourth or fifth grade I made sure that I was in fact saved; asking Jesus:

If I never asked you into my heart before, I want you to now. I know I've done some bad things, please forgive me and help me to live for you....

I was pretty sure beforehand that I had already been saved, but from that moment I knew I had at one certain point in time asked God to forgive me and make me His, and since then my walk of faith has been a learning experience.

In fifth grade I went on a medical mission trip to Nicaragua with my family for two weeks where we held medical clinics etc. As I was only eleven years old I couldn't do much of the medical work, but I did get to play with the Nicaraguan kids, and count pills for my mom at the clinic. In Nicaragua it was really hot whenever the sun came out, and lots of the people there were living in shacks. It was EXTREME poverty. Living in Nicaragua for just two weeks as an eleven year old changed my outlook drastically, however. Being used to living comfortably in the States, the living conditions were so different that it helped me to see how much that I really did have back at home. Another thing I began to grasp from my trip was how to be content in any circumstance. Although many of the people living in Nicaragua were very poor, they had joy.

Returning to the States after my first mission trip was bittersweet. While, it was nice to have air conditioning, clean rooms, and my own bed again, it was hard to watch people leaving their sprinklers on during the day to water their grass with fresh clean water, when I had just left a country where people got sick because they did not have clean water to drink.

My first mission trip introduced me to the idea of being a missionary, that I could travel and tell people about God's love and get to help them at the same time. It started to look like my childhood dreams had begun to shape into a lifestyle that might be possible for me in the future.

In middle school I participated in summer bible camps, and I must say that they were the spiritual high points of those years. Coming home from summer camp I felt ALIVE and on fire for God, wanting to grow in him and tell everyone about his incredible love. The spiritual highs would last usually for a week, two weeks, sometimes a couple months... but eventually they would fade and I would slip back into my comfortable lifestyle.

I played sports all throughout middle school. Volleyball, Basketball, Track and Field, and then Softball in the summer. On top of sports I participated in school plays, musicals, Science Olympiad, Girl Scouts, occasionally attending youth group, and still made time for hanging out with friends and doing my homework. They were an awesome three years of middle school but I didn't grow too much spiritually because I lacked the discipline I needed to continue growing.

My freshman year of high school I transferred to Manistee High School, where I was still on a spiritual high from a bible camp I had attended that summer. I started out high school, in a new school where I had no friends. It tore me apart. I literally cried myself to sleep every night. Sports helped me make some friends that I could sit with at lunch, but for the most part while I was at school I felt alone. While sports offered some comfort, and my parents tried to help me make new friends, it was God that got me through those first two years of high school, and has been sustaining me all along. Every night while I cried my eyes out, God was there with me listening to my pain and helping me through it. I told God all my troubles, and honestly felt better knowing that He was in control.

As high school continued, it got a little easier. I made some upperclassmen friends that were awesome and completely took me in like one of their own. When they graduated before me, I felt like I was going back to square one again, almost. My senior year I was basically starting all over friend wise... I had some okay friends but no best friends, as they had gone to college and I was stuck in high school.

The summer before senior year was a major turning point in my life and spiritual journey. The winter of my junior year I decided that I wanted to go on another mission trip, so I looked online and found teen missions international, where teens can go on work and evangelism trips to different parts of the world. I thought that it seemed awesome and found a trip I felt God might be calling me to go on- Samoa Tsunami Relief 2010.

That summer I went on my mission trip (concurrent journal "Samoan Adventure" in my blog Expanded Written Editions of My Adventures) and it completely changed my life. Entering my trip I was worried that I wouldn't make any friends on my trip, and I would be stuck with people I did not like for 2 months of the summer. However, when I got to boot camp before shipping overseas, God proved me completely wrong!
Some of the best friends I have ever made, and I believe will ever have, I made on that trip. I still keep in contact with them, and love them so much! I don't get to see them often, in fact I haven't seen most of them in almost a year, as they live all over the states, but they will always be close in my mind and heart.

At the Lord's Boot camp in Florida, we trained for about 3 and a half weeks in blistering heat. My ankles suffered the most from my boots that had to be worn at all times, and after the first day there I had huge blisters on both ankles, which became blisters under blisters as the days progressed. Until finally I had huge holes in my ankles that hurt so bad I was on the verge of tears simply walking and trying to keep up with my team. Through everything, God carried me. I did not have the strength to persevere through the pain, but God did. Boot camp was so life changing to me because 1) it taught me to fully rely on God to be my strength and 2) it showed me that I needed to give God EVERYTHING in my life. He wanted ALL of it. There was no better place than boot camp for me to learn this. I felt alone at times, I had unbearable pain, and I needed someone to carry me. God was that one. And still is.

Before boot camp I had tried to surrender my life to God and His will, but I had failed repeatedly; always holding back things I felt I had control of; the music I listened to, the words I said, some of the things I thought. I wanted control for myself, and was not willing to give them up. That is, until I was broken enough to realize that it is God that lifts us up and carries us, even when we can't see Him working. God is there with us, and he loves us, and there is nothing better that you can do with your life than to surrender it completely to him.

Returning from my trip to Western Samoa, my team had debriefing in Merit Island Florida. It was three days until I got to go home and see my much missed family, and yet at the same time, three days that I had left to spend with my entire new family. During debrief we had classes on keeping the fire going, and I felt God pulling me towards full time service for him. From that moment on, I have known for sure that missionary work is what God has placed on my heart and what he wants me to do with my life to serve Him.

My senior year ended up going quite awesomely. I had found where the true source of my strength came from just in time, and let God help me through the rest of the year. I had friends when I went back to school, and started going to youth group- where I met and grew closer to some of the coolest Christian people I know. I made some great friends there, grew closer to God, and got to have lots of fun with dodge ball and other crazy youth group games.

I have now completed high school, and plan to go to college in just a couple of weeks. I'm going to be studying Intercultural Studies, to prepare me for mission work. I'm planning on being a full time missionary, Lord willing, and am still waiting on where He would have me go.

I hope you've enjoyed reading about my life. But more importantly I want to encourage you that God loves you incredibly much! If you have accepted Christ as your savior already- that's great! I want to encourage you to keep in the word because it lends strength and encouragement when you need it.

If you want to know more about what it means to know Christ feel free to comment or email me at schneiaj@grace.edu and I'll do my best to answer your questions.

Meaning

I created this blog a while back for multiple reasons. The first being that I needed somewhere where I could get away from everything and say what I needed to say; and secondly to be able to tell people about the Amazing things God has done in my life and how like the Rush of Fools song "can't get away" I can't get away from the amazing love God has for me, and his influence in my life.